Apologizing 101: How to Apologize Without Giving In
Submitted by SharpMan Editorial Team on Sunday 10th October 2010- Ground rules for fair fighting, or "what goes around comes around…"
- The world’s easiest apology formula, or "diffuse the bomb!"
- Other SharpTips for when you’re in the dog house.
Face it: No one likes to fight. And fighting is even less pleasant when you have no idea what your SharpWoman’s problem is — or worse — you know you’re wrong, but just can’t bring yourself to say those three magic words, "I’m-sorry-pumpkin." Forget it. Check out these SharpDating tips for the world’s easiest apology and a step-by-step guide to avoid digging yourself deeper into trouble:
The Easy Apology Formula
Here’s the situation:
You were supposed to go out on a "double date" with your SharpWoman and her dippy friend Debbie. Debbie annoys you. You also resent having to "rally" whenever old Deb manages to get herself date. The day of the event, your buddy calls you with tickets to the game. Your decide to blow off Debbie, her date and your SharpWoman and head for the stadium nachos. You leave a message for your SharpWoman when you know she isn’t home. Sure, it wasn’t that cool, but Debbie is a loser and there’s no way you’re going to miss a chance to see your boys in the playoffs.
Or…
You and your wife get into a fight because you neglect to tell her about your plans to buy a motorcycle... that is, until the moment you pull your new hog into the driveway. You apologize and tell her you will consult her before making any more major purchases... even though you believe you should be able to buy anything you want without her permission. A few months later, you decide you need another toy…
Now for the world’s easiest apology:
Step One: Don’t argue back — diffuse. OK, so you messed up. No big deal. But the key is: You must diffuse her annoyance before it leads to a fight. How do you do this? By catching her off guard. In the examples above, you were probably more wrong than right — by blowing off plans with your SharpWoman and by making a large discretionary purchase on your own.
Relax.
Rather than escalating the situation by being headstrong and defensive (Regarding the motorcycle purchase: "Hey, lady, I make the money around here!" Regarding your "commitment" to Debbie: "We’re not married, right?"),
say: "Geez, you might be right."
Do you mean it? Maybe not now, but making this simple gesture of compromise will give you a chance to catch your breath, think through your answers and — most importantly — allow her to save some face, calm down and explain her position in a way that may make more sense to you (because she will be more calm) and may allow you to agree with a few more of her points (because normal speaking tone, unlike fighting, makes us all feel less defensive and more likely to see the other person’s side of things).
Now, while she’s still in shock, quickly move on to Step Two….
Step Two: The mini-apology. In any fight, your number one aim should be to diffuse the situation. All-out fighting gets you nowhere. The moment you can both calm down is the moment you two begin working back to the way you like to be together (i.e., not fighting). OK, so you’ve used the stun-tactic to get her listening. Now, Step Two should involve a bit of buttering-up. Take a moment to say a few words — even if you don’t mean them as you say them — to acknowledge the fact that she is upset.
Try: "Hey, I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings."
This is known as the "mini-apology" because, while it may sound like you’re saying "sorry," it doesn’t actually require you to admit that you’re at fault. What you’re saying is "I’m sorry that you feel bad," not "I was wrong to buy the Harley." There’s a difference. The point is that you have taken one small, easy step towards making her feel better, or what’s known in SharpWoman language as "acknowledging her feelings." (Very important — write that down.)
Step Three: What’s her problem? Now that you’ve put an end to the shouting, take a moment to try to understand what’s bothering her. It may be something entirely different from what your guilty mind is thinking.
Try: "Honey, what’s wrong? I really want to know."
Usually this will result in her explaining what upset her about your actions — or better yet — that she’s simply upset because she’s had a hard day, and this was the final straw.
If she’s not making any sense, try: "I want to understand why you’re upset, otherwise we may have this fight again."
Again, you’re keeping her distracted from anger by keeping that communication ball rolling; just keep it going and it will all be over soon.
SharpMan Tip: Now that you’ve got her talking, actually listen — she may have a point. After all, it’s no secret that you mess up every now and again. If something sounds kind of "fair" to you, say so. Tell her she’s made a good point. After all, if you afford her this kind of courtesy, in the future, when she messes up, you can point to your understanding attitude and ask for the same from her.
Step Four: What’s your problem? If she’s made a good point, see the SharpMan Tip above. Too proud to admit that you messed up? No problem. Try saying the following words while smiling bashfully. This is where you want to cock your head sideways and try to put on your biggest "aren’t-I-adorable-even-though-I-messed-up?" look.
Say: "I see what you mean, honey, and I’m really sorry, I just lost my head — can you understand that?" That last part is powerful, friends, because after all, who hasn’t lost their heads? Go on and say it — she’ll understand.
Now for the honesty. In that same adorable tone, tell her why, deep in the back of your mind, you decided to blow her off or buy a $2,000 motorcycle without even mentioning it. Try to balance your reasoning with some sound rationale.
Say: "Look, the fact is that even though Debbie is a good friend of yours, I don’t really like spending time with her. After all, you refuse to spend time with my friend ____ and I don’t give you a hard time about it, right?"
Hmm, good point.
Or say: "Look, I know it was wrong to buy that bike without talking to you about it, but even though we’ve been married for a while, I’m still getting used to having to budget together. Sometimes I feel — even though I know it isn’t right — that I should be able to buy whatever I want. Also, I feel that if I were to ask you, you’d just say ‘no.’ I think if I knew that you would consider that it is important to me, I’d talk to you about it. Can we make a deal?"
Both of these examples make an effort to explain the reasoning behind your alleged misdeed. After all, you’re a SharpMan, but you’re also human — and humans have seemingly irrational reactions sometimes. In reality, there’s usually a good reason for these "irrational" reactions. Figure out what your real reason is and try to explain it to her in terms she may be able to relate to — use examples from her life or your relationship with her. The fact is, if she cares about you, she’ll take the time to understand the feelings behind your actions. For the uninitiated, this is called "communication." Women ask men to do this all the time; why not ask them to do it too?
Here’s another generic example. Say: "OK, I see what you’re saying, it’s just that it really hurt my feelings when…" Add something relevant that hurts your feelings — in "guy language" hurt "feelings" simply means hurt "pride." An example could be: "It hurts my feelings to think that I have to report to you on everything. I know it seems silly, but don’t you sometimes want to do things without asking me?"
Step Five: Strike a deal. In the second example above, we suggested that you "strike a deal" with your SharpWoman about future situations that are similar. Another example of a deal would be "I know you like Debbie, so how about we limit the number of times I have to come along when you see Debbie, and I promise never to skip out on plans with her again." The idea is, you lay down ground rules that you can both live with, so you both have confidence that the subject of the fight will never resurface in the same way. Remember that your end of the bargain must be something you can live with, otherwise you won’t live up to your end of the bargain and the same fight will re-emerge — but worse.
Step Six: Add a little sugar. With all this good "communicating" going on, take the opportunity to give your SharpWoman some positive affirmation (remember: carrot-stick-carrot-stick). Tell her how much you appreciate her listening ear and her understanding attitude. This bit of stroking will ensure that the next time a conflict comes up, she’ll be more likely to talk it through, rather than yell.
Say: "Honey, I really appreciate your listening to me."
See, you’re thanking her for buying your story. Now, how ‘bout a kiss, huh?
Step Seven: Seal the deal with a little "consideration." In the legal world, no contract is complete without an exchange of something tangible. By giving something more than a handshake or signature (i.e., money, services), both parties show their commitment to the deal they are about to strike. We suggest you seal your deal with a small token of your affection. Consider a card, some flowers or a small gift given the following day. Don’t forget the mushy language. This isn’t really bribery; it’s more like inexpensive fuel to move you past the post-fight phase and back into the realm of romance. Trust us.
Ground Rules
As with any other sport, before you begin playing the fighting-and-apology game, consider the following ground rules. These will help you maintain your Sharp composure, and ensure that you get equally Sharp treatment when you’re the one on her case:
Rule One: You picked her, so she can’t be that bad or that far off. Give her some credit if she deserves it.
Rule Two: Even though you’d rather watch TV, force yourself to listen.
Rule Three: Think before you speak. Then try to make your comment remotely thoughtful and productive.
Rule Four: Don’t cover it up to make it better. Be honest about why about why you’re pissed to avoid having the problem resurface.
Got it?