Are There Advantages to Staying "Just Friends?"
Submitted by SharpMan Editorial Team on Friday 8th October 2010- What do you have to gain?
- How to make it work.
- Tips to keep things friendly.
You know her; you like her; should you make a move? Do you have anything to gain by keeping her as "just a friend?" Check out the SharpDating analysis:
The Advantages of Having a SharpWoman on Your Team
Some guys argue that friendships between men and women are never intended — they happen by accident. One of you is involved, you work in the same office or she seems inexplicitly disinterested. Then you get to know her and begin enjoying her company. She’s funny, pretty interesting, and good to talk to when other SharpWomen leave you wondering about your next move. But regardless of the platonic circumstances, many guys argue that this "friendship" simply becomes another one of those "maybes" on a SharpMan’s list of Things To Do.
But should you "do?"
No-strings-attached confidants are valuable. Having a woman’s opinion on what the "other side" is thinking is helpful. All this is likely to evaporate once you make your move. Awkward moments, hurt feelings and general discomfort will end a friendship faster than you can say "How ‘bout it?" Before you make your move, consider the following benefits of having a SharpWoman as your "female friend:"
The other perspective. Think about your arsenal of dating tools: You’ve got that killer first date restaurant, that great place for an after-dinner walk and the whole after-date calling thing down. But what about the rest? Getting another SharpWoman’s opinion can be gold. Daily water cooler chats on strategy and fine details can make the difference between "yay" and "nay" for a guy trying not to blow it with a killer new date.
And don’t forget the other stuff that women can help you with. The threads, big guy. Absent a permanent SharpWoman of your own, there’s nothing better than having a well-dressed female friend providing the ladies’ angle on what best suits you. It’s like keeping an image consultant on retainer — without having to fork out the cash.
Long-distance relationship/Temporary work assignment. For guys with long-distance SharpWomen, a female friend can be just what you need. Need an escort when your gal can’t make it? Need advice on the perfect romantic gesture? Your gal-pal can be your link to the info and female company you need (but see our section below on making female friendships work when you have a SharpWoman and SharpDating’s Making Your Long-Distance Relationship Work).
Alternatively, if you’re on a temporary work assignment in another city, it’s nice to have someone to blow off steam with. Often, the first person you meet just happens to be a woman. Sure, you could ask her out and complicate an already-complicated schedule, but why bother? Consider accepting her invitation to see the sites — and who knows whom you’ll meet.
The girl with the great personality. More often than we like, we meet women who have "great personalities" — but not much else to pique our interest. Rather than X-ing her off for what she doesn’t have, why not enjoy what she does?
She’s like a sister. Finally, many guys have female friends whom we’ve known practically since birth, and the thought of anything other than friendship is just — well — incestuous.
How to Make It Work
OK, so it’s useful to have a female friend; now what? How do you set up this friendship — and keep it going — in a way that works for you?
The key to making a male-female friendship work is by keeping it that way. No messin’ around. The second that one or both of you decide that you want more — and act on it — is the second the whole plan backfires. Temptation is everywhere, so check out these tips for keeping things in the friend zone:
Flirting. It’s always nice to get attention from women — especially attractive women. Often half the fun of having a female friend is having someone to flirt with. The problem with this type of friendship is that it often leads to misunderstandings on one or both sides of the flirting table. Moreover, a friendship based on flirting rarely survives once one or both of you get involved with others.
Alcohol. Avoid it. The term "beer goggles" should tell you everything you need to know. But she’s a blast when she’s drunk? Make sure that you’re partying with other people and that you won’t be taking her home alone.
Attire. Do you dress differently for a date than you do to hang with the guys? Well, you guessed it: when you go out with your female friend, wear friend clothes, not date clothes.
Keep compliments "appropriate." Similar to flirting, compliments that are sexually-laden can lead to complications. Your friend will think you’re sharp if you notice her new earrings, but "Wow, that sweater hugs you in all the right places" may give her the wrong idea — even if she says otherwise. As a general rule, compliment adornments, not body parts.
Nip it in the bud. Say you and an attractive coworker are out of town at a conference. She invites you to come up to her room for a drink or a movie. Sound innocent?
Think about it.
You’re up at her room, someone mentions a massage, it goes a little too far and suddenly your friend with the "great personality" thinks there’s gonna be more. Then there’s the issue of hooking up with a woman you have to work with…
Hassles.
It’s a lot easier to say "good night" in the lobby than it is to get yourself out of her hotel room. Avoid complications that are bound to arise by saying no to the first step of a train wreck.
Another version of the same problem: You’ve got nothing going on tonight and get a call from your female friend. You were going to watch a movie anyway, so you invite her over and break out a bottle of wine. Stop right there. Sure, this may make a great date (as would any of the activities suggested in our Great Dates series), but that’s not where you want to go with a female friend. Go out, rather than staying in. If you plan a "date," one or both of you will end up treating it as one. In short, avoid "romantic situations."
Final example: You’ve been getting weird vibes from her — you just know she’s got some new ideas about you. She suggests a camping trip. Do you go? No way, dude. You’re just asking for trouble and an evening of explaining why "it’s not going there" around the fire. Why deal with it at all? Don’t put yourself into situations where trouble is bound to come up. Nip it in the bud by saying "no" in the first place.
Be wary of exes. Even though we often say we’re going to remain friends with our exes, this rarely works out, and SharpWomen in your future are likely to be extra wary of a female friend with whom you were once intimate. Bottom line.
And hey, if you’re such great friends, why’d you break up? Be wary of starting friendships with women you used to date — particularly if there hasn’t been enough "breathing time" since the break up (minimum two months). It’s all too easy to slide right back into something one or both of you chose to break off. Additionally, if you’re not looking to rekindle, you may be setting up a situation where she does.
The Sticky Fine Points
Problems with Your SharpWoman. Your SharpWoman is likely to be suspicious of your women friends, just as you are annoyed by that weaselly guy who maintains a "friendship" with your girlfriend (but whom you know would move in the second he got a chance).
If you maintain a friendship with another woman, your SharpWoman may feel uncomfortable for the same reason, particularly at the beginning of the relationship. She may also be concerned that you will turn to your friend, rather than to her, when you want someone to talk to. How do you avoid this?
Tell your SharpWoman that she’s "number one." Be clear that you prefer her company, and that your female friend is "one of the guys."
Don’t flirt with your female friend while your SharpWoman is around. If you’re in a group with both women, make a point of giving your SharpWoman the "girlfriend" treatment. Once she sees this, she will be less likely to be threatened by your female friend.
Keep it on the Q.T. Your female friend may very well be the person whom you talk to about stuff that your guy friends don’t care about. As your relationship with your SharpWoman evolves, try to make her the person you turn to. That’s what your SharpWoman likes to think she’s for. Exclusively. If she feels that you turn to her, rather than to your female friend, she will be less threatened by that friendship.
Regardless, if you do ever talk to your female friend about this type of stuff, don’t let your SharpWoman know. By the same token, never tell your SharpWoman if you go to your female friend for advice about her — even if it’s simply regarding a gift for your SharpWoman. In general, avoid recounting the opinions, advice and funny stories of your female friend, particularly at first.
Does mean you are being dishonest? A bit. But since you know that your female friend is not a threat, all of this comes under the larger heading of "being considerate to your SharpWoman’s feelings." It’s worth it.
Encourage them to get friendly. The importance of this step cannot be overstated. The more friendly your female friend and SharpWoman become independent of you, the more comfortable your SharpWoman will be. How do you make this happen? Actually, it works best if your female friend makes the initial effort to get to know your SharpWoman and lets her know that she — the female friend — understands the romantic pecking order in your life. Encourage it.
Follow the "rule of three." If you succeed in getting your SharpWoman and female friend to become chummy, avoid having information pass "around the circle." Don’t tell your SharpWoman what your female friend told you in confidence and don’t ask your SharpWoman for this information. Keep things separate to avoid problems.
When things get rocky. Often, when things aren’t going well with the SharpWoman, guys will want to turn to the shoulder of their female friend. Not a great move. Particularly when the female friend and the SharpWoman are friendly, this can create trouble and discomfort — especially if you and your SharpWoman patch it up. Again, maintain the "rule of three."
When one of you wants more. She’s one of those girls with a "great personality" whom you have no romantic interest in — but you know she’s got the hots for you. She’s great to catch a movie with when nothing else is going on, and frankly it’s kind of nice to be around someone who worships you, since sometimes your SharpWoman doesn’t always appreciate how handsome/brilliant/suave you really are.
When one "friend" wants more than the other, it can be the beginning of the end. It’s at this point that male-female friendships tend to fall apart. Why? Even if you have no interest in her, at a weak moment, it’s just too easy to head in that direction. Then there’s trouble. She wants to try out a relationship, you know that’s not going to happen. Boom, you’re done and she thinks you’re a jerk.
If you believe that your situation is headed in this direction, consider the following:
Just how close have you become? Knowing that she digs you, have you turned into her "Faux Boyfriend?" (Check out Stealing SharpWomen for more information on this topic.) Are you, in effect, preventing her from finding her own SharpMan? Perhaps a little distance is in order.
Don’t want to give up the attention? Consider maintaining your friendship at a more appropriate level. Check out our advice above under "How to Make it Work."
Alternatively, are you the one who thinks he wants more? Check out SharpDating’s SharpDating Guide for Getting Past "Just Friends" and Stealing SharpWomen.
This article last updated on Friday 8th October 2010