Avoid Post-Argument Apocalypse
Submitted by SharpMan Editorial Team on Thursday 14th October 2010Face it. Arguments are bound to surface. After the honeymoon period of daily flowers, Tiffany’s surprises, and thinking-of-you phone reminders finally fades, the harsh realities of your differing opinions will set in. You love football. She loves figure skating. You listen to rock. She only listens to jazz. You like George W. Bush. She thinks he staged an elaborate coup d’ état to get into office. Wanna avoid the unavoidable with the girl you worked hard to win over? Check out the SharpDating scoop:
What NOT to Do
All tiffs have the possibility of escalating into major disputes, no matter how small they started. For example:
SharpMan: "Oh, the American League playoffs start tonight."SharpWoman: "But I wanted to watch ER."
SharpMan: "The playoffs only come around once a year."
SharpWoman: "Let’s not watch baseball. It’s so boring."
SharpMan: "Boring? You love baseball."
SharpWoman: "No I don’t. I never said that! Don’t you ever listen to me?"
This progressive intensification has fueled the fire for a bitter spat. If you’re not careful, the conversation might further intensify. Allowing the exchange to redline will most likely make for two losing parties, with you and your SharpWoman both annoyed, hurt or insulted.
The following conversation may find you sleeping on the couch, or worse, sleeping in your car:
SharpMan: [raising his voice] "I always listen! You told me when we first started dating that you love baseball."SharpWoman: "Your hearing is so selective. I said I liked going to baseball games."
SharpMan: [triumphantly] "Exactly. So lets watch the game."
SharpWoman: [with disgust] "I can’t believe this. There you go again. I never said I wanted to watch the game."
SharpMan: "What do you mean ‘There I go again?’ Now it’s my fault or something?"
SharpWoman: "Yes it is! You’re so selfish! I’m sick of this. You know, why don’t you go ahead and watch your stupid game."
The sour mood has spoiled the night. At this point, television is no longer an option for either of you. Can you avoid such an apocalyptic communication breakdown? Yes. The trick is to remember the following simple tips and tactics:
Be Objective
Your SharpWoman might be angry, but so are you. Two angry people make for poor resolution specialists. Take emotions out of the picture by focusing on the argument–not on each other’s positions. Analyze what both of you want, then try to find a solution that pleases both of your needs. Tactics such as raising your voice will only lead to a shouting match.
Avoid Incriminating Words
Phrases such as "you did this" or "why are you angry" point the finger of blame. This might make your SharpWoman even more defensive. A SharpMan will instead use pronouns that don’t single out one party. Instead of saying, "Your argument makes absolutely no sense," try "Our argument is getting off the topic." Using the word "our" as opposed to "your" takes the spotlight off of one single person. Steer clear of swear words and hurtful language to keep the conversation civil. A SharpMan is calm, refined and always plays nice.
Count to Ten
There’s a good chance that the fevered pitch has turned a dialogue into two separate monologues–with no one listening. Give your vocal chords a timeout and let your ears take over. Allow your SharpWoman to vent some of her frustrations. It’s completely natural and necessary to release bottled-up aggravation. When she’s spoken her piece and it’s your turn to blow off some steam, go ahead and do it, but provide some advanced notice. Give her fair warning by saying you want to reveal your feelings and ask her to let you finish without interruption. Getting something off your chest may be much needed "therapy" and lead towards a resolution, but make sure it’s done at the right time.
"I Love You"
This little phrase is tossed around ad nauseum–when you’re in a good mood. Using it during an argument will throw your partner off balance and remind you both of your priorities. Isn’t your relationship more important than this argument? A simple dispute can often degenerate into a melodramatic digression of relational incompatibility. Both of you might start saying that "It’s just not working out" or "Maybe this relationship was never meant to be." Then you’re suddenly discussing a separation while mentally taking inventory of your personal effects. (Did I buy that TV, or is it hers? Did I sign that pre-nup?) Remember: You’ve already been together for this long, so there are definitely many good things going for the both of you. Using the three little words "I love you" will remind you both that this disagreement probably has little to do with the foundation of your relationship.
For more information on prenuptial agreements, see Sharp Ways to Bring Up and Talk Through Your Prenuptial Agreements and Prenuptial Agreements 101.
Realize the Argument’s Insignificance
Chances are, your heated debate is regarding something petty; something that you both have little control over. It’s not like it’s the Cuban Missile Crisis and you’re both hovering over the red button, deciding whether or not to launch 3000 ICBMs and cause mutually assured destruction. Is this argument something you’ll even remember tomorrow? In a week? A month? A year? Doubtful.
Be Ready to Be the Bigger Person
If all else fails, suck it up and take it like a SharpMan. Depending on the intensity of your sweetie’s anger, all the objectivity in the world may do no good. You may have to allow her to think she’s won this argument. That’s perfectly fine, as long as you objectively state your position after all the tension has passed. Whatever the case, don’t fall into the trap of pointing out her personal faults during the heat of an argument. Those faults are better off discussed outside of a highly charged emotional state.
Try visualizing yourself using these methods in the infancy stages of a squabble. With some carefully placed words, you’ll defuse a powder keg of fury before it’s even lit.
This article last updated on Thursday 14th October 2010