Dating Don’ts: SharpMan’s He Said, She Said
Submitted by SharpMan Editorial Team on Friday 8th October 2010- Approaching women when you’re shy.
- Do you have to tell her your ENTIRE sexual history?
- How much talking is too much?
- Casual relationships.
Sabotaging Dates with Insecurity
He said. Hax believes that men often sell themselves short on the dating confidence front. Sure, it can be terrifying to approach someone you find attractive. And frankly, it takes a lot of confidence to come across as calm, cool and relaxed. Hax’s position is, don’t worry. She explains that this level of social ease only comes from practice. Hax suggests diving into the shallow part of the pool to get started. She compares meeting people in bars to penny-ante poker in that "You venture only little bits of yourself, and that way you can make mistakes (and learn from them) without getting cleaned out." In other words, don’t put too much out there, but keep trying and it will pay off. Of course, it’s always nice to have someone else make the first move once in a while…
She said. Another point of Hax’s is to be rational about our own looks, and don’t force an attraction that’s not there. I like that.
Sabotaging Dates with Dishonesty
She said. Hax’s position is that honesty is the best policy. Don't yawn: no matter how impressive the lie is, how inconsequential it is, how necessary it seems to get her interested, the lie will catch up with you. Consider what happens to that lie when you decide to stay with her for the long haul — do you go back and admit the truth? Oops, you've just screwed up, big time.
According to Hax: "If lying seems like an appealing alternative to anything in your life, it's time to fix your life."
He said. I thought Hax’s message was sensible: if you can’t be honest about it, don’t do it. Ashamed of your job? Get a new one. Have a mega-crush on a close friend? Tell her. As Hax says, she’ll figure it out soon enough, anyway. Besides, if she’s not interested, you’ll get over it. No matter what, you’ll feel better about not having to mask your intentions, and she’s likely to appreciate your honesty. (For more on this topic, check out our past articles Are There Advantages to Staying "Just Friends?" and SharpDating Guide to Getting Past "Just Friends".)
Of course, the honesty policy doesn’t require you to tell her EVERYTHING. I liked Hax’s limits on how much women can compel us to spill. She says to women: "You have a right to know what his day-to-day life is like now, plus a greatest-hits version of his past." In other words, guys should be honest about the big stuff, previous marriages, etc., but aren’t required to provide excruciating details about historic personal matters.
Sabotaging Dates with Self-absorption
He said. Often guys ask about the line between being entertaining and talking too much on a date. Hax makes this line clear. She asks, "Did you wake up hoarse?" Yes? Bad sign. I agree. Of course, I want to hear all about her, but if she doesn’t let me get a word in, why do I even need to be there? In short, being self-absorbed is a turn-off.
She said. I believe the process of learning about someone is gradual. If I learn all I need to know (and much, much more) on the first date, where’s the mystery? Hax seems to agree. She advises, "Lay down your cards slowly, alternating turns." None of us needs a conversation totally dominated by "me" and "I." If you do, you may be missing the fact that your date has nodded off.
Sabotaging Dates with Sex
He said. Hmmm, sex advice from a self-proclaimed prude (p. 84)? You’ll have to decide this one for yourself. Hax’s "Don’ts" list includes having sex before you mean it and being in a relationship for the sex. I think sex is as meaningful as you make it; just be sure you and your partner are on the same page with regard to the "meaning." Hax’s position on this? "If you set out on a physical adventure, expect the payoff to be…physical."
On the other hand, I appreciated her advice on "spark." Hax cautions not to waste your time where there isn’t one: in other words, if she doesn’t make your jaw drop at the beginning of the relationship, she probably never will.
She said. I agree with Michael — the sex section is really your own call. One point was harsh but — consistent with the rest of the book — sensible for all SharpMen: "Before anyone's pants come off, all women should assume they will get pregnant and all men should assume the woman will want to keep the baby. Everyone can work backward from there." Definitely something to think about…
This article last updated on Friday 8th October 2010