Run-Around Sue: When Your SharpWoman’s Cheating
Submitted by SharpMan Editorial Team on Thursday 14th October 2010- Getting over the "ouch."
- Should you take her back?
- Moving on without turning into "the angry guy."
You never thought it could happen to you, but here you are: she's run around on you. Why you, a SharpMan and a good catch? Regardless of whether you thought you were doing everything "right," or tried to do everything right, the fact is that your SharpWoman chose to shop in another supermarket.
Ouch.
Welcome to the world of getting cheated on, kid. Yup, it sucks bad here. And you may be here for a while. But don't worry, your ticket out of the muck is on its way. Check out our SharpDating tips to get there faster:
It’s "You-Time"
What’s a SharpMan to do once he learns his gal’s been untrue? While some folks may suggest quiet time alone with your miserable thoughts, we tend to think otherwise. Dude, you can always blubber later. Now, when the pain is at it’s worst, it’s time to make yourself feel better.
Step One: Don’t call her. Tell her you need some space.
Step Two: Don’t mope and don’t stay home. Call up your buddy and get the heck out of the house. Isn’t there a bar or "club" he’s been meaning to drag you to? Haven’t the guys at the sports bar missed you since you got involved with what’s-her-name? Time to catch up, my man. Get out there and stay out there.
Step Three: Go to the gym. Been a while for you since you entered the girlfriend zone? All the more reason to go. Working out is great for clearing your mind while you get your SharpBod into the kind of shape you’ve been meaning to get into.
Step Four: Go out again. Make a point of booking your free time by making plans with friends, coworkers, or anyone who’s upbeat and out for a good time. When the time comes and the stinging subsides, you’ll sit down and think through all that stuff about her. But right now, when the mere mention of your SharpWoman’s name sends stabbing knives into your chest and a nauseous feeling to your belly, it’s better to focus on a little "you-time."
Step Five: Watch the tunes. In the hours between your funfests (i.e., during your commute to and from work) avoid all "easy listening" radio stations. While they may seem "mellow" to the uninformed, the fact is that they’re a fast road to mope-ville. By the same token, refrain from playing mix tapes/CDs featuring "your song(s)" or anything else that makes you melancholy. Wanna hear some tunes? Go for the hard-stuff, baby, anything to make you rock out rather than feel bad for yourself.
Step Six: Don’t call her some more. Sure, you love her and sure, you may even still want to be with her, but the sad fact is that something has changed and you’ve got to respond appropriately. If she was the only one running around, her actions changed the "balance" of power in your relationship, so that in a weird way, her cheating has given her power over you. That’s not cool — especially if you want to get back together. If you call her, that upper hand will stay on her side of the court. By doing your own thing (and keeping busy per Steps Two through Four will make that easier), you make her come to you. This puts the ball — and the power — back in your court, allows you to enjoy some much-deserved groveling and gives a reconciliation the only real chance it can have.
SharpMan Tip: And if she doesn’t call and grovel? Well, you gotta ask yourself, do you want to continue spending the best would-be poker nights of your life with a woman who doesn’t apologize for bad behavior?
When you’ve given yourself enough time to make the sting less gut-wrenching, go ahead and do some thinking:
What Happened?
Why do women cheat?
Behavioral studies show that most women (though far from all) cheat because they feel unhappy in their relationships–their boyfriends work too much, put their friends before them, behave neglectfully, etc.
The others cheat because–let's face it–they have lower standards of integrity and loyalty. These cheaters don’t believe that cheating is wrong enough to avoid doing it — so long as they’re the ones doing the cheating, of course.
Figuring out which of these two situations you were in is vital in making your next relationship more successful. You can either avoid the behavior that helped drive your ex away, or avoid women who exhibit the traits your ex had. Do you attract the kind of woman who has a tendency to behave inconsiderately? It's best to think about this rather than be cheated on again.
Should You Take Her Back?
Taking back a cheating SharpWoman is a choice every SharpMan must make for himself. It’s a tough call, actually. In many cases the relationship is worth salvaging, but the fact that she ran around is — ouch — tough to get over. Three obstacles stand in the path of a successful reconciliation:
The Trust Thing. A total foundation for any normal relationship, trust is difficult to develop in the first place and even harder to rebuild once it's been betrayed. If you decide to take her back and don’t address the trust thing, you’ll probably find yourself feeling suspicious if she's late coming home from work, runs errands at off-hours, or simply changes her hairstyle or loses weight. Many SharpMen are tempted to spy on their SharpWomen and even rummage through their things. Big waste of time, dude. Who wants to go through all that for a bit of female companionship? If you’re going to give her another chance, you’ll have to find some way of overcoming your mistrust of her. Have a talk and lay down your expectations — do what you gotta do to enjoy being with her without wondering where she’s been.
The Respect Thing. For a SharpWoman to truly love you, she has to respect you. Will she respect a man who begs her to come back after she treats him like crapola? Would you respect a woman who begged you back under these circumstances? That’s why it’s key to give your SharpWoman a chance to do some thinking and a lot of begging before considering a reconciliation. Without this, you’ll sabotage your chances of rebuilding a real romance, as opposed to one where she knows that you're pretty easy to keep and control.
The Anger Thing. Once you regain your breath, you’re pissed. And who wouldn’t be? How dare she run around on you? While anger is a totally normal response, holding onto that anger will make it impossible for you to start over with her. She cheated, and now she can’t take it back. So if you choose to get back together, you’ll have to spend some time letting her know how angry you are (ideally during her groveling bit) and then let it go. Otherwise, you’ll just end up dragging out an unpleasant break-up when you could be moving on.
Movin’ On Up
If you choose to say "Adios" to your cheatin’ SharpWoman, take a few minutes to consider what’s up with your mental state. Most guys don’t like to talk about it, but having a gal run around is tough on the ego and can affect your relationships with future SharpWomen. In our poll of SharpMen who've been cheated on, the stuff that come up most often is:
- Generalized anger — at women, at coworkers; heck, at anyone.
- An inability to trust new SharpWomen or others, even if they've given you no reason to distrust them.
- A recurring need to check up on those around you.
- Feelings of inadequacy.
Believe it or not, these reactions are normal. On the other hand, feeling anger, paranoia and insecurity will keep you from having a normal relationship with a non-cheater. That being so, you’ve got to ask yourself just how long you want to keep experiencing these reactions. A week? A month? Forever? It’s your call. Once you’ve had enough and you’d like to get back to your old self, you’ll have to focus on moving past being angry, etc. Otherwise you’ll end up meeting one great woman after another and totally messing things up with her. Had enough? Talk through or think out your bad feelings about your cheating SharpWoman — and then let go of her forever.
When you think you’re ready to get out there again, see SharpDating for the Newly Single. Just give yourself a bit of breathing room; it's probably not a good idea to jump right into a new relationship, even if it will make your ex seethe (heh, heh, heh). Well, OK, don't jump into a serious relationship...a fling might be fun and make you feel better, so long as you’re forthright about the fact that you’re not ready for a new steady.
Health Issues
Nasty subject, but these days it's sadly something everyone has to worry about. Get yourself checked out by a doctor — even if you were using condoms and even if you don’t notice anything irregular. Many sexually transmitted diseases are passed regardless of condom usage and many don’t show up in guys for a looooong time, but are highly contagious and could lead to sterility. Bite the bullet and just do it. Early detection gives you the best opportunity to get effective treatment.
This article last updated on Thursday 14th October 2010