Dating Tips for Shy Guys
Submitted by SharpMan Editorial Team on Friday 8th October 2010- How to get over being shy around women.
- How to talk to women you don’t know.
- How to read women’s body language to avoid rejection.
There she is: that cute woman who’s exactly your type, standing over by the cheese dip laughing and talking with her friends. Oh, if only you had the nerve to approach her and introduce yourself–but what if you did, and ended up looking like a fool? Nah, it’s safer to just stay put. Whoa…what was that? Did she just look your way? Uh oh, quick, glance at your watch and pretend you weren’t checking her out. Better yet, beat a hasty retreat.
Does that scenario sound familiar? If so, you’re probably one of the SharpMen who finds shyness affecting his social life.
You’re far from alone. Most people find themselves feeling shy in social situations at some point in their lives, and it’s especially difficult for many men to feel comfortable approaching women. The trick is to learn how to do it anyway, despite your fears.
Think you can’t do it? Take a tip or two from SharpMan.com, and you’ll be well on your way:
Women Like Shy Guys
One SharpMan I know, who is a real catch, is outgoing in most social situations but too shy to approach women he finds attractive. He ends up staring at them all evening, hoping that they’ll come up and talk to him. What a great loss for womankind, since his tactic doesn’t give women much opportunity to find out how wonderful he is.
Another charming SharpMan was so shy around the woman he liked that he actually went out and bought a new VCR way beyond his budget for the sole purpose of being able to bashfully ask her, "Hey, I just got a new VCR, want to come over and watch a movie?" His risk-taking worked out well, since they’re now married.
These and other shy guys will be pleased to learn that many women actually like and appreciate shy guys more than they do forward guys; they want a considerate man who has given thought to his approach, not a Casanova who comes on to everything in a skirt. Like a very attractive female friend of mine (who’s been hit on by just about everyone) says, "shy guys are the best." Use this information to psych yourself up the next time you feel apprehensive about speaking to that certain SharpWoman.
Reading Her Signals
Here’s a tasty tidbit that may surprise shy guys who think that they always have to be the pursuers: amazingly enough, anthropological studies show that women, rather than men, are the ones who initiate contact the majority of the time.
Pretty cool, eh?
Women do this not by being the first to approach the other person, but by sending out non-verbal signals that are meant to clue the man in to their interest and availability.
The idea is that the man must pick up on these signals and then act upon them by approaching.
That’s a really handy bit of information for shy guys to understand. It means that if you can learn to read a woman’s body language, it will give you an advantage you’ve never had before: you’ll have at least some sort of advanced clue as to whether or not she’s interested or approachable. How can you tell? Look for these signals:
- drawing attention to herself (for example, by laughing)
- tossing her head or hair
- playing with her hair or twirling it around her finger
- fidgeting with her jewelry or an item of clothing
- primping
- swaying softly to music
- licking her lips absentmindedly
- walking near you or sitting closer than usual to you
These cues are especially powerful, and you can be fairly sure they’re meant for you, when she:
- makes brief eye contact with you several times
- smiles at you, then shyly looks away or blushes
- brushes against your arm
If you see any of the three above clues, especially in conjunction with the ones previously noted, it’s a big-time hint for you to step up to bat. Take a deep breath and go for it.
Of course, some SharpWomen are just as shy as you are and may be apprehensive to give off these blatant signals, even if they’re interested in you, for fear of appearing too "forward." Unfortunately, telling the difference between a woman who’s shy and one who’s not interested can be pretty difficult. Likewise, she may just be friendly and not realize that her actions could be interpreted as flirtatious. The only real way to distinguish in the case of a shy girl is to talk to her. And let’s face it, you’re the guy; if you’re interested, it’s your job.
Keeping all this in mind, let’s go over some more body language information. The following are signals that the woman you’re scoping out is thinking "keep away." If you see any of these, chances are good that you should not approach.
- If she’s preoccupied with something like a book, newspaper, or work, and not paying much attention to things going on around her, it’s probably not a good time; she’ll just find it intrusive and wonder why in the world you’re talking to her when she’s obviously got other things on her mind.
- If her body language is closed off, meaning she crosses her arms or looks away quickly trying to avoid your gaze, don’t approach.
- If you’re talking to her and she only answers in short, quick sentences, looking around the room instead of at you, she probably isn’t welcoming your presence. Politely excuse yourself.
Psyching Yourself Up
Many shy SharpMen are afraid to approach women, feeling that "she couldn’t possibly be interested in me."
Why in the world not?
If you read and follow SharpMan.com’s advice, you’ve already got plenty going for you. If you still feel that a women you’re interested has no basis for returning your interest, you’ve got a self-esteem issue you need to work on. Otherwise, no matter how many of these articles you read, you’ll always remain frozen by the same self-doubt.
As for what’s going on in the real world (as opposed to your own, delusional universe of "nobody likes me"), use the tips outlined above to check out her body language to see if she’s interested.
As an example of the foregoing, once a nice man I’d seen around several times suddenly approached me and presented me with a little token: a Cracker Jack prize in the shape of a train. I was surprised, of course, but I happily thanked him — but then he suddenly ran away. Needless to say, I was a little confused. I bumped into him again a year or two later, and he blushingly expressed his embarrassment for giving me the toy, chalking up the approach to having had too much to drink. (Apparently, he still looked back on this episode with shame.) He was shocked when I told him how unique and charming I had found his actions, and how I had saved and cherished his little gift all that time. The lesson here? Don’t sabotage yourself by psyching yourself out before you even get started.
If you’ve observed her body language and you’re getting the impression that she wouldn’t mind you approaching her, start off by talking to her in a friendly, non-lascivious manner (lascivious: that means she can see the drool coming out of your mouth). Be considerate and kind, and show interest in her rather than talking about yourself too much. For more information on this whole "act interested in her" thing, check out SharpMan.com’s numerous articles about successfully approaching a women, including SharpMan Charm School: How to Be Charming and Meeting Women: Smooth Lines.
Handling Rejection
If you’ve observed her non-verbal cues and it appears that she may be interested, that greatly decreases your chances of rejection when you approach her. It’s an unfortunate fact, however, that rejection is just going to be a part of life at some point. She may have appeared to be giving out all the signals in the world, but still sent you packing.
It’s a drag, but you’re just going to have to suck it up and accept it. Meeting women is a numbers game. If you approach enough of them, you’ll get one. But if you want to keep your Sharp reputation intact, be sure to handle rejection in a gracious and gentlemanly manner. No matter what you do, don’t sulk or get angry. You never know; your calm handling of a bad situation may just make her rethink her stance, or perhaps even impress the woman sitting next to her.
Furthermore, don’t give up and revert back to shy mode around all women just because one woman isn’t interested. That doesn’t mean you’re unlovable, uninteresting, or unattractive; all it means is that she’s not the right woman for you. Don’t worry, you will find her eventually. Just tell yourself "next!" and move on. After all, fair heart never won fair maid.
Final Thoughts
Never underestimate the power of your friends, especially sympathetic female friends. They can help you in numerous ways, like giving you advice on talking to women, telling other women about you, and setting you up on blind dates. Check out these Sharp links for advice on getting set up: Getting Set Up & Blind Dating 101.
Groups like Toastmasters can help you overcome your shyness in social situations, or at least your appearance of being shy. Participating in groups like this can really help you learn to project confidence and feel comfortable. Find a Toastmasters group in your area by checking out http://www.toastmasters.org/.
Some people are so extremely, painfully shy that they could be considered socially phobic. If you feel you might fall into this category, it’s advisable to discuss your situation with a counselor.
For further advice, check out these shyness links:
- Overcoming Shyness: http://www.wespsych.com/shyness.html
- Shyness Group: http://shyness.meetup.com/