Sharp Ways to Bring Up and Talk Through Your Prenuptial Agreement
Submitted by SharpMan Editorial Team on Sunday 10th October 2010- The facts on prenuptial agreements.
- Sharp ways to bring up — and work out — a pre-nupt WITHOUT pissing off your SharpWoman.
- Getting legally binding pre-nupts on the cheap.
While no SharpMan goes into a marriage thinking that his will be the one to break down, the fact is that marital success rates in the U.S. are only about 50 percent. For guys who’ve waited long enough to have a few bones in their pockets, the thought of protecting their assets by way of a prenuptial agreement may seem like a good idea.
Check out these SharpDating tips on broaching the subject of — and working out — a prenuptial agreement that works for the both of you — all while looking like a SharpMan. For information on prenuptials, check out Prenuptial Agreements 101.
Broaching the Subject
Many SharpMen believe that bringing up the subject of a prenuptial agreement can be extremely difficult because of the touchy issues involved. Love and business are a volatile mix. At the most romantic time in their lives, most SharpMen and SharpWomen prefer to avoid thinking about their union as a simple legal contract.
Forget about all that.
The problem with thinking that prenuptial agreements are not romantic is the reality that there is nothing less romantic than a quarrel over money once you're already married or — for that matter — an ugly divorce. Consider using the following steps to broach this subject with your SharpWoman:
Step One: It’s not a battle, it’s a partnership. The key to broaching any sensitive subject with a person you care about is to bring up the matter in a non-threatening way. Rather than having your lawyer draft a document that you plan to present to your bride-to-be on the day of her wedding, consider bringing her in on the decision-making process.
Huh?
That’s right. In the same way you would like her to clue you in on a future car or house purchase, consider making your first property decision together. After all, it’s unlikely that you or your SharpWoman would enter into a business agreement without setting forth the parameters of the deal, right? A marriage is likely to be the most important partnership agreement of you life, so why not settle a few things at the outset? And what better person to work out these details with than the very woman you’ve chosen to be your ultimate partner — your wife?
With this attitude in mind, proceed to Step Two…
Step Two: Pick your time. Big subjects that are also emotionally laden — like matters relating to money — should not wait until the last minute. As you would pick your time for discussing your college buddies’ week-long chili-eating reunion, pick your time to discuss a potential pre-nupt with the same care. The ideal time is several months before your wedding date, at a point when you are both relaxed and have some time to chat. A long drive, a quiet evening, etc. If your fiancée is under a great deal of pressure at work, let her know that you’d like to talk during a free weekend day.
SharpMan Tip: Remember, weddings can be a logistical nightmare for a bride. One and even two months before the date of the wedding, a bride involved in planning your wedding may be under a level of stress that may prevent her from discussing touchy matters in a relaxed fashion. Don’t miss a golden opportunity to talk about this subject calmly by procrastinating.
Step Three: Getting stuff out in the open. Begin talking about a potential pre-nupt without talking about it at all. Huh? That’s right, you’ve got a long way to go before you can get to that one. Start by engaging your intended in a conversation about what your marriage will be like. Begin with the obvious:
- Where do you want to live? City or suburbia? House or apartment?
- Do you want children? How many? Do you have strong feelings about public versus private education?
- Does she plan to quit work? Do you?
- When household bills come in, who will write out the checks? Will you have a joint checking account? How will it be funded?
- How about discretionary purchases? What dollar figure requires both you and your future wife to agree to a purchase? Can she buy a new $3,000 laptop without your agreement? Can you buy one without hers?
You’re unlikely to meet anyone — man or woman — who believes that talking about these subjects before marriage is a bad idea. In fact, most churches and other religious institutions that require pre-marital counseling base their "courses" on these very types of questions.
The deal is, a lot of these questions are hard to answer. After all, having been a single person, who wants to ask permission every time they open their checkbook, right? (But also see SharpMan’s Apologizing 101: The Easy Apology Formula.)
SharpMan Tip: If you find that you’re not getting very far in your discussions, consider eliciting the help of a member of the clergy, psychologist or licensed social worker. These trained counselors are experts at assisting couples as they talk through these tough issues. In fact, if you find that you’d like to bring something up but can’t seem to spit it out — these folks will do it for you! Sure, pre-marital counseling doesn’t sound so romantic, but it can go a long way towards getting stuff out and on the table before you make a lifelong commitment.
Step Four: Getting’ to the good stuff. Having talked all around the issue of money, it’s time for the big show. How do you bring it up? Let’s talk about three hard scenarios:
She Has Stuff
In an ideal world, your fiancée will have some property of her own — a car, a house/condo, a 401K plan from work. If this is the case, your job is that much easier. Begin by talking about her property:
You say: "So Jenny, while we’re talking about all this money stuff, do you want to talk about what happens to the house if we ever split up?"
The fact is, if she has property of her own, she may have already considered protecting it in the event of dissolution. She may even be relieved that you brought it up. Chances are, your fiancée will fully expect to keep her house, car or retirement savings in the event she shoves you out the door. This being the case:
You say: "I understand why you would feel that way about your house. Why don’t we make a deal between us about our stuff…"
That’s it. You’ve brought up the subject. Now skip to Step Five.
She Has No Stuff/ You Have Stuff
If your fiancée has no property to speak of, but you do, you’ll need to take a slightly different course of action. The key here is to be sincere. The fact is, you probably love your SharpWoman and don’t want anything — especially money — to get in the way of your relationship, but by the same token, you have stuff that you’d like to keep should it not work out, right? So say so:
You say: "Look, while we’re talking about all this money stuff, it’s probably a good idea to talk about all of it. I love you, and I don’t want money to get in the way of our relationship, so why don’t we work out a deal about what happens if you get tired of me (insert self-depreciating humor here)."
To get through the meat, skip to Step Five.
You Both Don’t Have Jack
OK, so the deal is, you’re in love, you want to get married, neither of you has any property, but you’d like to protect yourself in the event that someday, somehow you find yourself with something worth fighting over.
No need for a pre-nupt? Not exactly…
Just because you’ve got nothing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have conversations about money or expectations. Everything discussed in Step Three is still crucial, but you may also want to consider what happens in the event of an inheritance or other windfall. In some states, money received by inheritance is your separate property, even when you divorce. In other states, the inheritance you receive may be split with your spouse at the time of divorce. To determine the law in your jurisdiction, it’s always best to consult a professional legal service, but in the meantime, why not strike a bargain with your sweetie regarding what you both feel is fair?
Alternatively, consider the deals you and your future wife have made regarding long-term plans. If you agree to put her through school so that her future income will allow you to quit your job and pursue writing or acting, what happens to her end of the deal if your marriage falls through in mid-stream? As with all "contracts," it’s a good idea to talk about all aspects of the deal so that everyone feels that they’re getting a fair shake. So even if you "don’t have jack," consider discussing the money-matters in Step Three and then progressing from there.
Step Five: The nuts and bolts. So how do you really go about talking it through? How do you tell her that if it’s all over someday, you want to keep your money/house/dog? It sounds pretty harsh, and most guys end up avoiding the subject rather going through "the trouble."
But the truth of the matter is, it’s not the mere fact of a prenuptial that creates trouble, but the way it is brought up and the terms stipulated therein. In your discussions with your future wife — the woman whom you’ve chosen to entrust with the site of you in the morning and the countless unseemly medical problems you’ll be falling victim to in the coming years — remember to treat her as the partner you expect her to be. Be open about what you'd like to agree to and be equally prepared to listen to her opinions and address her thoughts. In fairness to the woman who’ll soon be asked to rub disgusting-smelling ointments on your back-side, be fair — try to strike a deal that you might agree to, yourself.
After all, if marriage is like a partnership — in the sense that you must work together — like in business, you must compromise on some things in order to benefit from the advantages of having a partner to split the workload with.
A word on "freeloaders." Most people — men and women — without money and property don’t like the idea of a pre-nupt because they fear that, after spending years listening to their spouse’s rambling, they’ll be thrown out on their ear without a pot to piss in. In a world where most people are looking for a sense of emotional and physical security, that’s a pretty uncomfortable thought — your spouse thinks you’re yesterday’s news and you’re broke. Great. So the key is, listen to what she’s saying, make some compromises that will make her feel comfortable about giving you what you want. This is the best tact for getting what you want — without looking like the bad guy.
SharpMan Tip: And what if you simply can’t see yourself budging on any of it? That’s a tough call. Generally speaking, if you care about someone, in most situations — be it the time you spend with her family or the amount of clothing she piles up before putting it away — the fact that you care about her helps you to bend a bit.
If, when it comes right down to it, you are so protective about what is yours that you cannot see a middle road, consider whether you care about this person enough to marry her. Is it that she’s not the one for you and this is your inner-SharpMan’s way of back out?
Alternatively, if your inability to compromise is really about your wanting to have your cake and eat it too, consider the following: marriage can be great, but you can bet that every marriage — even to your dream girl — is bound to have some really boring times and a few more really tough calls. The fact is, if you don’t see yourself bending for her now, then you may have some thinking to do.
Step Six: Making it legal. The law is constantly changing regarding what makes a prenuptial agreement legal and binding. Ideally, you and your fiancée should design an agreement that works for you both and each have it reviewed by a separate attorney. Unfortunately, for many couples the costs of an attorney can make this whole process prohibitive. Depending on the deal you strike, pre-nupts can take several weeks or more to draft and can run you anywhere from $500 to $5000 dollars in legal fees.
For this reason more and more couples are turning to the world of online legal services. Although many services currently offer wills and other contracts online, only a handful offer prenuptial contracts for all fifty states. Those that do make it cheap, easy and fast to document the decisions you and your SharpWoman have made and ensure that these decisions comport with your local laws. One company, Legalzoom, makes getting your pre-nupt a breeze. You simply answer a few questions online in order to describe the bargain you’ve struck and the property at issue. That’s it. Forty-eight hours later Legalzoom sends out your completed document ready for your signature. Cheap, easy and fast. Of course, it is important to note that if either of you has questions about the agreement, you should seek the advice of an attorney before signing.
The fact is, if you plan to be man and wife, you might as well talk through the issues. For some couples, this may also include a prenuptial agreement. By phrasing your desire to work one out in a way that lets her know that this is a discussion opportunity — not a conversation where you force your needs down her throat — your SharpWoman is that much more likely to be receptive.
Pros and Cons of a Prenuptial Agreement
Pros:
- Protects personal and business assets accumulated prior to and during marriage.
- Allows you and your spouse to agree in advance on the division of assets acquired during the marriage.
- Protects assets that you’d want to leave for your children or other family members.
- Streamlines divorce proceedings and helps you avoid nasty courtroom battles over division of property and alimony.
- Helps both spouses clearly understand, in advance, what the financial expectations of the marriage are.
- Prenuptial agreements can be changed as circumstances change.
Cons:
- Many view contracts as unromantic.
- Can give your partner the impression that you don’t trust her.
- Can give your partner the impression that you’re already figuring out how to get rid of her.
- Negative connotations of mixing love and money.
- Brings up unpleasant emotional issues and possible resentment.
- Emotional consequences of starting off the marriage — anticipated to be lifetime commitment — by trying to determine out how it’s going to end.