SharpDating Guide for Getting Past "Just Friends"
Submitted by SharpMan Editorial Team on Friday 8th October 2010- How to win over a SharpWoman romantically when she wants to be "just friends."
- Approaching your "friend" with your true feelings without freaking her out.
- When is there hope you might be able to develop a relationship, and when is it hopeless?
"I just want to be friends." "You’re so nice, but I just don’t feel that way about you." "You’re like a brother to me." "I don’t want to risk our friendship." "I just don’t want a relationship right now."
Makes you cringe, eh? What soul hasn’t had to listen to those chilling words at one time or another? The "just friends" phenomenon is an unfortunate, yet universal, complaint. Is there anything a SharpMan can do to convince the glorious object of his affections that she’s mistaken?
Our conclusion: it depends on the situation. Sometimes her feelings can be affected by a little change in behavior on your part, and sometimes nothing you do will ever bring her around. But hey, when was anything involving men, women, and relationships ever simple? Check out these tips for determining your odds, and better tips for changing her mind:
When She Says, "Just Friends," Isn’t There Any Hope?
You meet a lovely woman you’re just sure is the one for you. She’s beautiful, smart, fun–everything you’ve ever wanted. Because you can’t get up the nerve to ask her out, you decide that once you two are friends you’ll be more comfortable broaching the romance subject with her. You finally get up the nerve to ask her out, but she says, "I just want to be friends."
What the heck is that supposed to mean?
If you think she’s leaning on the old "just friends" line to avoid telling you how she really feels, you’re probably right. According the SharpWomen we polled, there’s probably something she’s not telling you in order to spare your feelings. Said one SharpWoman, "There’s always some underlying reason I won’t go out with him–he’s boring, he’s ugly, he smells, he’s got big poofy 70s hair… saying ‘I just want to be friends’ isn’t as mean as what I’m really thinking."
No way. If her underlying reasons for rejecting you are similar to the SharpWoman quoted above — i.e., she just feels no chemistry for you whatsoever — unfortunately you’re SOL. Chances are, the woman you dig will never be attracted to you in the same way. It’s the same as if she prefers basketball players and you’re a jockey, or she digs artists and you’re a Wall Street banker. Just not there. If you’re lucky enough to have this information, just move on.
An opening in the door. But sometimes her reason for giving you the "friends" line may be less definite. She may be thinking: "He’s a great guy, but he just doesn’t quite do it for me;" or "He’s cool enough as a person, but I don’t think he’s right for me." In other words, she may have not received enough information to realize that the two of you are a great match. If you think this describes your situation, then you might have a chance–that is, if you play your cards right.
What cards? We’re talking about the SharpDating Guide for Getting Past "Just Friends."
This is powerful stuff — and it works. Trust this SharpMan Team member: I ended up married to a friend whom I had absolutely no romantic interest in until he implemented the following technique. Yup, I was assimilated; resistance was futile.
Step One: Approaching Her with Your True Feelings
The first step to breaking through the "just friends" wall is to tell your intended SharpWoman how you feel. Be prepared: it’s gonna be awkward. When you tell a female friend about your more-than-friendly feelings toward her, you’re playing with serious fire.
Plan it carefully. One successful suitor who broke through the "just friends" barrier and lived to tell about it explained, "Be very careful in how you approach something like that–both in how you do it and especially how you word it. Don’t be friends with her for a while and then spill your guts, it will creep her out. And once you tell her, don’t keep asking her out or calling her, saying things like ‘I can’t take it anymore;’ you’ll look like a stalker."
The no-pressure approach. The best approach involves saying something like, "You know, I really enjoy your company. I’ve been thinking about how well we get along, and wanted you to know I’d be interested in something more. But if you don’t feel the same, don’t worry, our friendship is very important to me and I won’t let my attraction affect it."
Note how this statement is casual and confident, yet non-pressuring. That’s important, because — if you’ve gotten to the point of having to say this — she’ll most likely reply with the dreaded "I just want to be friends" line and then begin worrying that hanging around you will be weird. Your approach aims alleviate some of these fears. Another nice thing about the "no big deal" approach is that, in addition to getting the ball rolling, it also lets you save face.
After the big talk. After you spill your guts, try to maintain your cool. After all, you’re a SharpMan, a great catch. Regardless of her reaction, your subsequent behavior around her must prove that you’re calm, cool, and collected. Your every word and act should reflect that you’d be happy if she came around, but that it’s not a big deal if she doesn’t. Remember, pressure and neediness will drive her away. You want her to continue feeling good about hanging out with you, so you’ll have the opportunity to implement Step Two — subtly encouraging her to begin thinking about you in a new, potentially romantic light.
Step Two: Winning Her Over
Okay, so now she knows you find her attractive. She’s wondering how you’re going to act around her and may be a little apprehensive. Your job is to ease this apprehension by behaving as normally as possible — except for one thing: now you act like the SharpMan you probably always wanted to be.
Why? Because the seed’s already been planted.
See, if she’d never thought of you in a romantic light before, your declaration forced her to think about the two of you together —at least briefly — when she was formulating her response. Now, your plan is to show her how great it is to have you around — and how much greater it would be to have you around all the time.
How’s that?
Cultivating the seed. In the next days and weeks of hanging out, make a point of demonstrating your exceptional qualities over any other man. This should be done by thoughtfully offering to help out with errands, engaging in fun activities, etc., all without mentioning your desire to have more romantic contact. Chances are, if she was on the fence before, she’ll be impressed. One SharpWoman remembers her then-friend, now-husband’s tactics, explaining, "It really did work in his favor that he never pressured me at all. Actually, that was quite a turn-on in the end. He just hung out and was nice and funny."
In the case of the friend who won me over, his phenomenally successful technique involved doing all sorts of incredibly nice things for me simply "out of the goodness of his heart," while flirting with me in a friendly way — but not pressuring me. He’d cheerfully move my furniture, change my flat tire, play with my cats, pick me up if I needed a ride, buy me dinner if I was broke, lift heavy items for my mom–never once insinuating that he deserved anything for it, or acting like, "Geez, do you like me yet?" I’d always end up thinking, "Wow."
Do women really care about this stuff? Oh yeah. See, in the same way that men appreciate when women do things that are nurturing or attractive in a female way, women respond to men who do the same in a masculine way. According to the SharpWomen we polled, being strong, helpful and protective is your ultimate means of labeling yourself as her "Mr. Right."
Don’t overwater. The "you’re great, but I’ve got a lot of stuff going on" attitude is also vital. Like most guys, no woman wants a guy who’s too easy to get, because then it seems like she must not be getting "the best." For example, another SharpWoman in our poll explained, "He let me know (accidentally) that I was not the only woman he was seeing, and that was intriguing because until then I thought he was totally in love with me."
In fact, according to our SharpWoman poll, it doesn’t hurt to make efforts to date other women during your pursuit. Dating other women stops you from obsessing about a woman who has (so far) said "no," it ensures that you get the female attention you want and thereby keep your confidence up, and, one way or another, it will ensure that you end up with the girl who you want — whether it’s the original "friend" who changed her mind, or someone better who’s come along.
Giving her some time to think. My SharpMan’s secret goal, of course, was to demonstrate that he was a real catch and I’d be nuts to pass him up. Eventually I started realizing how nice it was to have him around; thought, "I wonder why I never saw this side of him before." I began to miss him when he wasn’t there.
Did you catch that last part? If you want your intended SharpWoman to begin missing you and valuing the time that you’re together, you’ll have to actually give her some time without you in which to do so. In other words, back off. Don’t go over there every time you feel like it; don’t call whenever you think of something funny to say; and don’t accept every invitation you’re offered. Don’t think of it as "playing" hard to get; instead, realize that you’re giving her an opportunity to reflect on and appreciate all the effort you’re going to. If you’re always around, who’s gonna miss you?
SharpMan Tip: When implementing this technique, don’t go overboard by being rude. For example, don’t cancel plans at the last minute, or neglect to call her back. Always be polite when not accepting invitations, or your plan may backfire.
Reeling her in or cutting bait. In the case of my SharpMan and me, it worked. He schlepped, I noticed, he gave me time to think and I thought of him. When he saw that I was warming up to the idea of taking it beyond friendship, he kissed me — and the rest was history.
This formula rang true for a lot of the SharpWomen we spoke to. One said, "I (finally) thought, why do I keep going after guys with whom I’ll have no future, and (then) I thought of John*, who’d been nothing but nice to me, so I called him. That night, before the movie, he made me dinner and I was blown away. I wanted to crawl into his lap and stick my tongue in his mouth." Now that’s one SharpMan who knows how to change a girl’s mind!
But what if, after all of your furniture moving, she doesn’t get it? Well, then you’ve got to ask yourself: "Who wants a girl who doesn’t crawl into my lap and stick her tongue into my mouth after all of that?" Forget her and move on. After all, (1) if she hasn’t come around by this point, she probably won’t (so move on), and (2) there’s no short supply of great-looking women who want their stuff moved.
*Names have been changed to protect the Sharp.
Friend-Wooing Do’s and Don’ts
- Don’t come on too strong–pressure will drive her away.
- Don’t act too eager to please–neediness will make her run quickly in the other direction.
- Don’t be too nice, i.e. boring–give your own opinions in addition to respecting hers.
- Don’t wait until a friendship has developed to ask her out–if you meet a woman you like, ask her out shortly after meeting her. "Just friends" isn’t the easiest mode to break out of.
- Don’t act like you worship her–appreciate her instead, but stand your own ground. Strength is attractive, puppy dogs aren’t.
- Do be strong and confident–while modern women want to be independent, that’s not incompatible with also wanting a "manly" mate who’ll look out for them.
- Do be exciting and adventurous–show her that you have your own hobbies and your own life outside of drooling over her.
- Do be willing to try new things–show her she’ll never get bored with you.
- Do treat her kindly and do fun things together–show her that she’ll enjoy being around you.